Dear Self:
You are not a hero because you can hold a grudge. There are no medals for anger or bitterness, and no cash prize for the person with the hardest heart.
Unforgiveness is not something to be proud of. I don’t care who hurt you, or how long ago it was; the person you’re hurting by holding onto it is you, not them.
You’ve ingested poison, and you’re waiting for them to die.
And in the meantime, you’re killing yourself. You’ve chosen to deprive yourself of joy. You’ve chosen to be unhappy. You’ve chosen to live a life full of resentment.
Yeah, you think you’re going to make them pay, don’t you. You think by staying mad at them, they’re going to realize the error of their ways, go back in time, and undo whatever it was that caused you pain.
But they’re not. It happened. It’s done. Staying angry about it isn’t going to change that.
Here are your choices:
1) Stay miserable. Keep going down this path for a while, and when you’ve come to the end of your self-destructive life, take a look around you and see how many friends you have left.
2) Accept that it happened and you can’t change it. Accept that no matter how much “making up for it” the offender does, they cannot erase the past. And then, let go of it. Forgiveness doesn’t make what happened okay – what happened is still wrong; it just recognizes that it cannot be changed, and it makes the choice to quit holding an event that cannot be changed against a person who can. (And, P.S., they might not change. But you can.)
Forgiveness is strength. It’s wisdom and maturity. It’s the grown-up thing to do. It’s an acknowledgement that you are, by virtue of being a human, an unjust creature, and because you are unjust, vengeance is not yours to take. Justice is not yours to dole out.
Hey now. I’m you, remember? I can hear that. I can hear you saying, “But…but…but!” “But you don’t know what they did!” “But you don’t understand!” Let me tell you what I do understand: You have a choice. You chose to respond the way you did. You choose every day whether to continue walking down a path of anger or not. You get to choose – right now, even! – if you’re going to keep it up or if you’re going to lay down the offense and walk away from it.
Listen, Self, I know I’m being a little hard on you, but it’s time someone told you the truth. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. You can’t live your life shackled to the past. You’ve got to let go of the chains – because you’re the one holding onto them – and move forward.
The new year would be a great time to do that.
Please say you’ll think about it.
Sincerely,
Me
















