A Set of Graduation Bookends

June 6, 2008 – Graduation Day for the first group of students I’d had all three years I’d taught.

So, what you don’t know is that I found out I was pregnant with Brynleigh at about 4:30 in the morning on that graduation day.  It was our last teacher work day at school, and I could hardly keep myself focused.  The news was expected; the chained-down feeling that came with it was not.

I spent all of last summer on the couch, sicker than sick.  I finally called the doctor and was prescribed some magic pills that helped significantly.  They took care of the 24/7 nausea, but they did not stop the dry heaving that happened constantly and without warning.  I’d be on my way out the door in the morning and as I said “goodbye” to Ben, I’d gag mid-sentence.  Not once did I actually throw up, and I kept thinking, “If only I actually threw up, then I might feel better.”  No dice.

Oh, and all that, “It goes away when you get into the second trimester” crap?  Not so much.  Mine went away when I was sixteen weeks pregnant, on our last teacher work day of the summer.  That would be a Friday…and school started Monday.  Yeah, it was a great, relaxing summer.

Once I was back at school and it started to become evident to my students that I was pregnant (because I didn’t feel the need to tell them; I decided they could figure it out on their own), I realized I had to throw down some ground rules, stat.  Thankfully, a few friends of mine were pregnant at the same time.  Together, we compiled a mental list of rules to follow when dealing with pregnant women.  Here are a couple for you to use with the pregnant women in your own life:

1. Don’t touch me unless you are invited.  (This rule applies to friends and family, too.)  I don’t come in every day and pat your belly to say hello.  It’s weird.  We don’t know each other that well, and even if we did, it would still be weird.  I actually had to smack a kid’s hand away once.  And no, I’m not ashamed of it. 
2. Don’t comment on the size of my belly.  When you say, “You’re so tiny!” I know you’re lying.  It’s also not okay to say, “You’re HUGE!”  And when you walk up to me first thing in the morning and say, “You (or “The baby”) got bigger!” all I’m going to do is get angry.  Here’s why.  First of all, I know the baby (and I) got bigger.  I’ve been here the whole time.  I see the damage as it’s happening.  More importantly, I feel it.  What part of it makes it okay for you to comment on it?  I don’t greet you each day with a cheerful, “Hey!  You got fatter today!”  A pregnant belly is not license to throw away common courtesy. 

This brings me to a couple of my main points.  During one conversation with a pregnant friend, I realized that in some ways, from the moment we told our respective “people” we were expecting, we ceased to exist in their minds.  Everything became about the babies.  And apparently, they weren’t even our babies, because people felt the need to use the word “my” when they referred to them.    (Don’t get me wrong; the enthusiasm is appreciated, but the message gets a little lost when you’re 8 months pregnant and cranky about it.)

But never fear!  I am here to offer solutions!  This is what I’m asking of you, the non-pregnant world at large.  Please remember that attached to “your” ( ) baby is a tired woman who may or may not be thrilled about the whole thing – and even this can change from day to day.  I just need you to take your cues from her without trying to push your views on her in the process.  I think the best way to do this is just to ask her how she’s doing and let her response guide your conversation.  She is so happy that you’re excited – and she is excited, too, to a degree that varies (sometimes daily) with each individual – but please don’t allow your excitement to crowd out the fact that she is the person who is actually here, now, and who has lots of thoughts and feelings not only about what she is currently going through, but also about her normal life – ie, her marriage, her career, her daily activities, and what she’s going to make for dinner later.  And once the baby is born, it’ll be natural for everyone to be preoccupied…but starting off your conversations with, “How are you?” – and then being genuinely interested in hearing the answer before moving on to baby talk – will go a long way toward maintaining a lasting friendship.  It shows her that you care about her, and not just because she’s the person having “your” baby. 

June 6, 2009 – Graduation Day again.  Things in our lives are VERY different this year, but also very much the same.  The world didn’t stop when Brynleigh was born.  Ben’s moved up the career ladder at the bank, and I’m starting a new position at school in the fall.  Brynleigh is getting cuter by the second (I’ll post an update about her later) and we’re enjoying having her around and sharing our lives with her.

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