Have you seen Dave?

David Ritchie

This is Dave. In June 2001, Ben took a sales position at a precious metals company in Durango, Colorado. He was so good at his job selling newsletter subscriptions that about three months later, in September, he was promoted to an assistant broker position. Dave was the broker that Ben worked under. Dave is not only one of the sweetest men we’ve ever known; he was also a kind and generous boss, both with his money and his time. He was more than fair in terms of Ben’s commissions, and he always had his customers’ best interests at heart. It’s a tricky thing, putting someone in charge of your money, but I’d have trusted Dave with every penny of ours.

Dave encouraged Ben to put his wife first, to make his marriage more important than his job. In the beginning years of our marriage, I called Dave a few times to ask if it would be okay for me to take Ben out of the office for the day or for the afternoon – to surprise him with a date or whatever. Dave never let me finish my sentence. He always, ALWAYS interrupted me with, “Go! Tell him to get out of here!”

Oh, and Dave also took all of our wedding pictures. We got back from our honeymoon to find all of them – ALL of them – printed for us – 5×7, double prints at that – plus all the negatives. He refused to let us pay him. Wouldn’t take a dime. Called it his wedding gift to us. To this day, I have no idea how much wedding photographers cost, but I suspect it’s a whole lot more than free.

You guys, Dave is missing. About two weeks ago, he and his wife were on their way to the hospital. Dave had been experiencing some terrible psychological side effects of a new medication. When they stopped at a friend’s house on the way into town, Dave got out of the car and ran into the woods. Even though authorities and volunteers – our friends – have combed the area, there is no sign of Dave. He has no wallet, no ID, no cell phone. He could be anywhere.

Ben and I are heartbroken for Dave and for his family. I know that my circle of influence isn’t large, and I know that this post might not get anywhere, but I’m also not above begging: if you read this, would you be kind enough to pass it on in some way? Would you tweet it to your followers or share it on your Facebook page (you can use the links at the bottom of this post), or email it to a couple of people? Hitchhiking is common in that area; it is possible Dave doubled back and caught a ride with someone. Someone might know something. All we can do is ask.

Would you please help me ask?

Have you seen Dave?

David Bruce Ritchie is 59 years old, 5’7″ tall, and weighs 175 lbs. He has gray hair and brown eyes. He was last seen wearing khaki shorts, a green long-sleeved t-shirt that was torn in the front, tennis shoes, and a green baseball hat. He disappeared along Hwy 160 near the Archuleta-La Plata County line, one quarter mile east of Beaver Meadows Road.

If you have any information, you have several options for passing it on:

1. Call (970) 884-5280.
2. You can also text a tip to Archuleta County Crimestoppers by texting ACCST plus your message to 274637 (CRIMES).
3. Or, submit a tip online by clicking here.

You can find more information on Facebook.

Revelation

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Internet:

I have something to tell you.

It took me almost 32 years to realize it, but I’m an introvert.

A couple of weeks ago, someone said something to us about Brynleigh’s tendency to hide her face around, well, pretty much anyone but Mommy and Daddy. There was some concern that her response wasn’t “normal,” and it was implied that we needed to correct this behavior with stronger discipline.

It really bothered me. (Okay, if I’m honest, it wasn’t so much I was “really bothered” as I was “HOTTER THAN A HORNET” – but that’s a post that’s better left unwritten!)

For the record, Brynleigh is normal. She copes with a situation that makes her uncomfortable in an entirely age-appropriate way. She warms up within a few minutes and everything’s okay after that. I’ve always thought – and said – that she’s just a little shy. But what really struck me was when I thought about her response, I realized that if I were three years old, I’d do exactly the same thing – and I’m NOT shy. Shy implies an element of fear.

I decided to do a little research, and one of the first articles I read made a clear distinction between shyness and introversion. The more I read about introverts, the more clear it became that I am one, and it’s possible my girl leans that way, too (there’s some scientific evidence supporting a genetic component to introversion).

You guys, this was a HUGE revelation for me. It explains so many things – things like:

• I hate talking on the phone – like seriously dread/hate it – unless I have a very specific purpose (an exit strategy, if you will). I avoid it at practically any cost. Unless you are my husband, my mom, my grandmother, my dad, my sibling, or one of about two other people, I am concerned about talking to you on the phone. It’s not because I don’t like you; mostly I’m worried I will have nothing to say, or that I won’t know how to answer your question. I’m not afraid of not knowing the answer at all; I just know that I probably won’t know it right away. It’s not likely to pop into my head in a split second and then come eloquently tumbling out of my mouth. Texting, on the other hand, really works well for me. Texting allows me time to think about what I need to say and how I want to say it. It allows me to respond on my own terms. Calling me puts me on the spot, and I have a hard time processing the information you’re giving me quickly enough to respond appropriately. It’s closely related to my next point.
• Small talk. I don’t do it because I don’t know how to do it. I love words, but they totally fail me when it comes to small talk. I don’t want to talk about the weather because it makes the conversation feel fake to me. It’s impersonal. I’d rather not say anything. What I am interested in is finding out what’s really going on in people’s hearts – but that’s not small talk. That’s the kind of conversation that scares off strangers…and even some people you know pretty well. You can’t just jump into that kind of stuff; you have to build up to it. So when I’m talking to someone – or trying to, anyway – my brain is usually going crazy with the knowledge that I am going to be expected to respond, and I’m desperately trying to come up with something lighthearted. I am literally watching the other person’s mouth move and thinking to myself, “ASK THEM A QUESTION!” Like Ross on Friends. “Just say some words, Sarah. ANY WORDS WILL DO.” [crickets]

There are lots of other things. I posted a link to this blog post (10 Myths About Introverts) on Facebook because it pretty much nails my personality. I loved this part:

Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. … Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Yep! That’s me!

Another article (Caring for Your Introvert) says this:

Do you know someone who … loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk?

Again, that’s me! Group settings are hard. I am afraid someone is going to ask me for my opinion because the odds are I won’t be able to give it. I do have one; I just need some time – anything from a few minutes to several hours – to process my thoughts and be able to articulate them clearly and concisely. When someone asks me a question and I give some kind of fluffy, generic answer or – even worse – I can’t come up with an answer at all, it makes me feel stupid and ashamed. Nobody likes to feel stupid and ashamed! But you know what else makes me feel stupid and ashamed? Having to go back to someone hours or days later and finally give them an answer and have them look at me funny – or not respond at all – because they don’t understand this aspect of my personality. It’s a weird cycle. I just wish more people knew this: your questions are important to me. After we talk, I’m going to go home and think about them until I’ve come up with a well-reasoned, well-worded, honest and genuinely caring response. And then I’ll probably email it to you, because if I call you, you might have some follow-up questions and then this whole cycle will start all over. What would be helpful to me (and to other introverts, I’m sure) would be for you to acknowledge receipt of my email. I don’t expect you to agree with me, but it would be nice if you could email me something like, “Hey, thanks for thinking of me!”

Okay, I’m done. Any other introverts out there have anything else to add?

Minivans

Plymouth Grand Voyager minivan. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m genuinely curious:

What are the selling points of minivans?

No, seriously. My best guess is that they have lots of room but handle like a car. Is that true?

Any minivan drivers out there? What do you like/dislike about it?

Retrospective

This is me ten years ago today – April 27, 2002.

I graduated from Fort Lewis College, a tiny liberal arts school in Durango, Colorado. I wish I could say I graduated with honors, but I can’t, because I was only there for my senior year and even though I had good grades, I wasn’t eligible because I didn’t complete my last 60 credit hours there. I still feel like that was a pretty crappy rule, especially since I had a ridiculous course load thanks to being obligated to do all these basic courses that my last school didn’t require. Yep, I got to take “Exercise Science” with all the 18-year-olds. It was awesome. Because of that, the two P.E. classes I had to take, and the über-boring mandatory geology class (oh, remind me to tell you about that sometime), I had to get special permission from the dean to enroll in more than 16 hours a semester. Because people, there was no need for my college education to run into a fifth year. I was SO ready to move on with my life at this point. After pleading my case to the dean, I did 38 hours in two semesters; 20 in the fall and 18 in the spring.

By graduation day, I was engaged and planning a summer wedding.

I remember two things about graduation:

1. We lined up outside the facility beforehand. We were all shivering because IT WAS SNOWING.
2. I anticipated an hours-long ceremony similar to my high school graduation, with hundreds of names being called one after the other. In reality, there might have been 50 of us. We took up three rows of seats.

Fort Lewis was a weird experience for me, and if I had it to do all over again, I probably wouldn’t go there. On my first or second day of classes, I was walking across campus in front of two young guys. One of them was telling the other about how he’d really struggled with his math homework because he “took one too many hits on [his] bong last night.” I’m kind of surprised I kept it together and didn’t pass out right then and there, but basically, that statement pretty much sums up my year at FLC: I never really fit in.

Anyway, it all turned out fine in the end. I got my degree and that’s what counts.

Happy Friday to you!

Maternal Instinct

Quick question today.

When does the so-called “maternal instinct” kick in? Actually, maybe a better question is, What does it feel like?

For me, motherhood feels like a lot of rules and hard work with some cool chronos moments sprinkled here and there, but mostly just hard, never-ending work. I love Miss B fiercely, but I don’t ever have those “Mama Bear” urges or nesting instincts or crazy-awesome sparks of let’s-fingerpaint-all-day creativity or the “I just can’t stop staring in wonder at my child” kind of feelings. I don’t often feel very nurturing, and I definitely do NOT feel that I was “born to be a mother.”

On the other hand, I do have a deep desire to take care of her – to snuggle and comfort her when she’s sick, to hold her when she’s having a bad day or when she’s overly tired and everything is going “wrong” for her. I hurt when she hurts and I feel great when she feels great. I get concerned when she doesn’t sleep or eat well, and I search doggedly for a cause and a solution. I make sure we always have Little Bunny and Mommy’s Blanket with us because I don’t want her little heart to suffer the pain of missing a beloved object.

Is that normal? Am I totally missing the point? Should I be feeling those other things, too? Am I doing okay with this? Am I anywhere near the “passing” mark on the Pass/Fail Scale of Motherhood, or am I failing miserably?

How am I supposed to feel about this whole thing?

Beliefs and Behavior

I’ve been seeing a particular quote all over my social networks lately. Perhaps you’ve seen it, too:

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person. Your behavior does.

I could not agree less. That statement is absolutely, 100% wrong. Here’s why.

Beliefs trump behavior. Your behavior is a result of your beliefs. Trying to change your behavior without changing your beliefs is a losing battle. You might have success for a time – maybe even a long time – but it’s not true, lasting change. It’s a constant struggle, a never-ending war against yourself, and when you do eventually fall back into your old patterns, I can guarantee you this will be your response: “Next time, I’ll try harder.” You’ll try to fix your behavior with even more behavior.

When I say “beliefs,” I don’t just mean doctrine, although that is certainly a component. What you believe about yourself and about others (and yes, about God) determines your behavior, whether you’re consciously aware of the belief or not. When you believe a lie about yourself or about someone else, you act in accordance with it. When you’re able to identify that lie and replace it with truth, your behavior automatically falls into line. Beliefs trump behavior every time. It’s a higher level of change. Beliefs have authority over behavior – when you change a belief, your behavior has no choice; it must shift and line up with the new belief.

Look, when you like a person and then you find out that they’ve done something terrible behind your back, you treat them differently, right? You feel weird around them. You avoid them. You stop calling them on weekends, whatever. Your belief about them changed and your behavior followed suit. In this example, it was a negative shift, but I’ve only done that to illustrate my point.

Beliefs trump behavior. You don’t become a better person by trying harder. You can’t fix you with more you.

You fix you with Truth.

(Ben and I are taking some classes right now that are a deeper exploration of the things written about in this book, which I am also in the process of reading. My mind is completely blown. Basically, This. Changes. Everything.)

Social Media

I see all these opinion pieces written about social media and harnessing its power for marketing purposes and how “if your business isn’t using social media, here are some reasons why you should and an introductory tutorial to help you get started.”

And I kind of feel like if your business isn’t using social media by now, it’s probably too late. You’ve already missed out. It’s not a question of whether you see its relevance or not; the only thing that matters is that your customers do. If you’re not reaching out to them in a way that they perceive as relevant…you’ve lost them.

Actually, that’s how I feel about the state of public education, too (and politics…and any number of different things…). The world is flat, man. Get on board, or get left behind.

Leadership

I have some of my best thoughts in the shower. A lot of times I find myself thinking about leadership, the qualities I look for in a leader, and the things I’d like others to admire me for if I’m ever in a position of leadership.

I think it’s a bad sign when a significant number of employees quit in the middle of their contracts to do something else somewhere else. And it’s a really bad sign when it’s the good ones who are doing the leaving. Although, I suppose as a leader, your definition of “good employee” might be different than mine.

I’ve come to settle on a number of characteristics that I want to see in a potential employer, and I’ve realized that the next time I interview somewhere, it’s just as much about what I think of the boss as what he or she thinks of me. In really great organizations, the admiration and respect goes both ways.

Question: What qualities do you find follow-worthy?

On Holidays and “Holidays”

Last night, I saw a commercial for a large chain of party stores advertising a big St. Patrick’s Day sale. They claim they have the best St. Patrick’s Day costumes.

Let me say that again.

They claim they have the best St. Patrick’s Day costumes.

Did I miss something? When did all this nonsense become normal?

A couple of years ago, Easter became a gift-giving holiday (beyond the traditional baskets for the kids). For the last few years, I’ve watched more and more people start to consider Halloween as a day to get together with their families. Now we’re marketing St. Patrick’s Day costumes???

Why are we making such a big deal out of this? Are we, as a nation, so collectively bummed out that we need to turn March 17 into Second Halloween? (And don’t get me started on actual Halloween, which I think is about the dumbest day on the calendar.)

I am so confused.

What are your thoughts? Can you fill me in? What’s going on?

Note to Self

Dear Self:

You are not a hero because you can hold a grudge. There are no medals for anger or bitterness, and no cash prize for the person with the hardest heart.

Unforgiveness is not something to be proud of. I don’t care who hurt you, or how long ago it was; the person you’re hurting by holding onto it is you, not them.

You’ve ingested poison, and you’re waiting for them to die.

And in the meantime, you’re killing yourself. You’ve chosen to deprive yourself of joy. You’ve chosen to be unhappy. You’ve chosen to live a life full of resentment.

Yeah, you think you’re going to make them pay, don’t you. You think by staying mad at them, they’re going to realize the error of their ways, go back in time, and undo whatever it was that caused you pain.

But they’re not. It happened. It’s done. Staying angry about it isn’t going to change that.

Here are your choices:
1) Stay miserable. Keep going down this path for a while, and when you’ve come to the end of your self-destructive life, take a look around you and see how many friends you have left.
2) Accept that it happened and you can’t change it. Accept that no matter how much “making up for it” the offender does, they cannot erase the past. And then, let go of it. Forgiveness doesn’t make what happened okay – what happened is still wrong; it just recognizes that it cannot be changed, and it makes the choice to quit holding an event that cannot be changed against a person who can. (And, P.S., they might not change. But you can.)

Forgiveness is strength. It’s wisdom and maturity. It’s the grown-up thing to do. It’s an acknowledgement that you are, by virtue of being a human, an unjust creature, and because you are unjust, vengeance is not yours to take. Justice is not yours to dole out.

Hey now. I’m you, remember? I can hear that. I can hear you saying, “But…but…but!” “But you don’t know what they did!” “But you don’t understand!” Let me tell you what I do understand: You have a choice. You chose to respond the way you did. You choose every day whether to continue walking down a path of anger or not. You get to choose – right now, even! – if you’re going to keep it up or if you’re going to lay down the offense and walk away from it.

Listen, Self, I know I’m being a little hard on you, but it’s time someone told you the truth. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. You can’t live your life shackled to the past. You’ve got to let go of the chains – because you’re the one holding onto them – and move forward.

The new year would be a great time to do that.

Please say you’ll think about it.

Sincerely,
Me