Revelation

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Internet:

I have something to tell you.

It took me almost 32 years to realize it, but I’m an introvert.

A couple of weeks ago, someone said something to us about Brynleigh’s tendency to hide her face around, well, pretty much anyone but Mommy and Daddy. There was some concern that her response wasn’t “normal,” and it was implied that we needed to correct this behavior with stronger discipline.

It really bothered me. (Okay, if I’m honest, it wasn’t so much I was “really bothered” as I was “HOTTER THAN A HORNET” – but that’s a post that’s better left unwritten!)

For the record, Brynleigh is normal. She copes with a situation that makes her uncomfortable in an entirely age-appropriate way. She warms up within a few minutes and everything’s okay after that. I’ve always thought – and said – that she’s just a little shy. But what really struck me was when I thought about her response, I realized that if I were three years old, I’d do exactly the same thing – and I’m NOT shy. Shy implies an element of fear.

I decided to do a little research, and one of the first articles I read made a clear distinction between shyness and introversion. The more I read about introverts, the more clear it became that I am one, and it’s possible my girl leans that way, too (there’s some scientific evidence supporting a genetic component to introversion).

You guys, this was a HUGE revelation for me. It explains so many things – things like:

• I hate talking on the phone – like seriously dread/hate it – unless I have a very specific purpose (an exit strategy, if you will). I avoid it at practically any cost. Unless you are my husband, my mom, my grandmother, my dad, my sibling, or one of about two other people, I am concerned about talking to you on the phone. It’s not because I don’t like you; mostly I’m worried I will have nothing to say, or that I won’t know how to answer your question. I’m not afraid of not knowing the answer at all; I just know that I probably won’t know it right away. It’s not likely to pop into my head in a split second and then come eloquently tumbling out of my mouth. Texting, on the other hand, really works well for me. Texting allows me time to think about what I need to say and how I want to say it. It allows me to respond on my own terms. Calling me puts me on the spot, and I have a hard time processing the information you’re giving me quickly enough to respond appropriately. It’s closely related to my next point.
• Small talk. I don’t do it because I don’t know how to do it. I love words, but they totally fail me when it comes to small talk. I don’t want to talk about the weather because it makes the conversation feel fake to me. It’s impersonal. I’d rather not say anything. What I am interested in is finding out what’s really going on in people’s hearts – but that’s not small talk. That’s the kind of conversation that scares off strangers…and even some people you know pretty well. You can’t just jump into that kind of stuff; you have to build up to it. So when I’m talking to someone – or trying to, anyway – my brain is usually going crazy with the knowledge that I am going to be expected to respond, and I’m desperately trying to come up with something lighthearted. I am literally watching the other person’s mouth move and thinking to myself, “ASK THEM A QUESTION!” Like Ross on Friends. “Just say some words, Sarah. ANY WORDS WILL DO.” [crickets]

There are lots of other things. I posted a link to this blog post (10 Myths About Introverts) on Facebook because it pretty much nails my personality. I loved this part:

Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. … Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Yep! That’s me!

Another article (Caring for Your Introvert) says this:

Do you know someone who … loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk?

Again, that’s me! Group settings are hard. I am afraid someone is going to ask me for my opinion because the odds are I won’t be able to give it. I do have one; I just need some time – anything from a few minutes to several hours – to process my thoughts and be able to articulate them clearly and concisely. When someone asks me a question and I give some kind of fluffy, generic answer or – even worse – I can’t come up with an answer at all, it makes me feel stupid and ashamed. Nobody likes to feel stupid and ashamed! But you know what else makes me feel stupid and ashamed? Having to go back to someone hours or days later and finally give them an answer and have them look at me funny – or not respond at all – because they don’t understand this aspect of my personality. It’s a weird cycle. I just wish more people knew this: your questions are important to me. After we talk, I’m going to go home and think about them until I’ve come up with a well-reasoned, well-worded, honest and genuinely caring response. And then I’ll probably email it to you, because if I call you, you might have some follow-up questions and then this whole cycle will start all over. What would be helpful to me (and to other introverts, I’m sure) would be for you to acknowledge receipt of my email. I don’t expect you to agree with me, but it would be nice if you could email me something like, “Hey, thanks for thinking of me!”

Okay, I’m done. Any other introverts out there have anything else to add?